A Muppets Ashes Carol

The delightful Charles Dickens tale, A Christmas Carol has received another reboot as a bunch of A Grade Muppets brought English literature and culture to the uncouth, unwashed and uneducated in Australia with a plan to punish the inhabitants again.

In the lead role of the world’s most famous miser, Ebenezer Scrooge, is veteran entertainer Brendan McCullum.
Known for his cutthroat ways and innovative style, McCullum brings a stern, unwavering quality and ambition to the role as he storms head first into a summer hotter than the Adelaide Oval air temperature and critiques of Fleet Street boffins.
What lays ahead is a lesson in humility where he’s is visited by three ghosts, one from the past in the form or a King of Spin, the present represented by a thunderbolt slinging left armer and the future in the shape of a punchy South Australian with more Ashes ahead of him.
The visits were foretold by a Pigeon and a Punter but has "Baz” listened and will he learn?

As an outsider among the team, being from a mortal world tucked far away where Velcro gloves are standard issue, McCullum is joined on tour by a merry bunch of Muppets lead by the off-colour captain, Ben Stokes.

As leader of the Muppets, Stokes offers stoicism while bringing to life cliches that bring viewers to the point of hilarity.
At times feelings of support, empathy and even respect for this character surface but in a heartbeat it is remembered that for all the good he has shown in previous films like Headingly 2019 and 258 Reasons to Love Cape Town, in the end he is a left handed Pom with hair like Allen’s Peaches and Cream lollies who probably wear real fur, believes Piers Morgan and likely barracks for Hawthorn.

Dressed in green as Kermit, Stokes’ two-tone locks make him look like an Irish flag.

In the part of Tiny Tim, Joe Root is central to the story. But as much as the tale depends on him, his stature on Aussie shores seems as large as his tally or test tons before heading to Brisbane.
A leading light in the past and maybe the best there has been in terms of quantity, Root’s  performances in unfamiliar roles like England’s Only Hope and Runs Downunder lead us to believe he’s good.
But he carries with him as many test tons in Australia as St Kilda AFL premierships.
A slight showing of sparkle but the future looks bleak for the Jardine lookalike with all the charisma and entertainment value of a white, powdery dog turd in the sun.

Every star needs a leading lady and while Miss Piggy is the perfect foil for Kermit, Ben Duckett’s portrayal of the brave hearted glutton Eliza Cratchit falls flat.
Gluttonous for runs like Miss Piggy is for food and deeply wanting to be loved by Bob/Ben, Duckett leaves the screen regularly without satisfying his need to score and the viewers need for substance.
There is comedy value in his performances but the overarching pig-headed approach to his time in the limelight falls flatter than the pitches he can’t seem to make runs on in glorious batting conditions.

Providing the narration and in a crucial part, Harry Brook was given the opportunity to be the Dickens of the tour.
Dickens was seen by many at the time this story was born as the next Shakespeare.
Brook has been to Shakespeare what Gonzo the Great was to Dickens. Nothing short of comedy value.
In a world of narratives and narrators, Brooks’ effort as the Dickens of this tour stinks of someone who hasn’t lived up the hype of Shakespearean works like Botham’s Ashes, Conan-Doyle mind benders like Bodyline and Pride and Jerusalem from pre-corporate Barmy Army days.
While Brook is providing a giggle, we decide to marvel more at Australian narrations like Waltzing Johnny by Alex Carey, Bumble’s Busted Box by Jeff Thompson and Dude, Where’s My Ball – The Monty Story by Adam Gilchrist.

The real star was un-named in the book, an offsider who, in reality, was un-named for England in recent years but is stealing the show.
Billed as an extra but with big wraps for timing, Rizzo the Rat outshines Gonzo as Dickens and Joffra Archer in this role is brilliant, rescuing the batting and delivering with the ball.
Previous performances in Sit Down Steve, Tropical Hurricane and his award winning masterpiece Sleepless in Adelaide, have been upstaged with the kind of willow wielding determination that has unexpectedly kept this show, somewhat, on the rails.

Seen as a key component to the film but ultimately irrelevant, the little rabbit character who Scrooge chucks a bag of coins at asking what day it is could be played by half the ensemble.
While producers had a devil of a time trying to find the most useless Muppet who could be big enough to bung in the promo but contribute piss all from a large number of auditionees, Mark Wood landed the role.
His past efforts in Carry on Doctor, fill in performances on Hey Hey It’s Saturday as Dickie Knee and Inhabiting Rehab: Vols 1, 2 & 3 made him a standout choice to give audiences nothing but a small taste of the poached Craster smoked kippers with asparagus and coriander drizzle he delivers.

All in all, this had the potential to be huge.

A five-star cast of people with runs on the board performing on a big stage but the delivery looked like a badger that got run over by a bottle green 1969 EH Premier Wagon on the Heathrow tarmac before departing Old Blighty.

Even as some of the most recent Englishmen to arrive in Australia, they have been in more trouble than the early settlers.
They have delivered a one-star display, disgracing those who trod pitches before them in a way not before seen.
The last sporting cross over to produce such a stinking show was Meatloaf in Melbourne.
While looking fresh with a new approach to the classic story, it stunk like Meatloaf that had been in a fridge that Nan turned off three years ago and forgot to empty.

Questions remain as to whether King Charles will allow the performers back into the country or commission a redevelopment of Sarah Island are unclear with every chance these villains who were attempting to play heroes might not have their travel documents stamped.
This horrific depiction of Ashes cricket could force them to live in perpetuity, banished for the embarrassment caused to the realm.